MY SECOND DAY AS PRESIDENT…..

January 21, 2017 agenda

[Buzzing the new Press Secretary, Eric Bolling] “Eric, would you please arrange for a quick press conference at 1:45 this afternoon in the White House briefing room?  I’ll be signing my first executive order, so I’ll need a desk, chair, pens, etc.  Yes…. perfect.  Oh, I’ll speak but I won’t take questions today – I think my remarks will be self-explanatory.  As soon as you set that in motion, please join me in my office.  I have several phone calls to make.

Yes today!  [laughter] Forgive the short notice but I know you can work a miracle for me.  Yes, I’m jumping in with both feet.  Why not make a little news on Day 2.”

My first call would be to the new Emir of Qatar, Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad al-Thani.

“Good afternoon, Your Excellency.  Thank you for taking my call – I will be brief. 

The United States is no longer your ally.  You have opted for your country to fund radical Muslim factions throughout the Middle East, particularly ISIS.  The United States is suspending all relations, including aid, with your country effective immediately.  The planes that arrived last night and took off at sunrise are bringing home all Americans, including the complete diplomatic staff based in Doha.

Additionally, American military and contract employees in charge of our embassy security are likewise now airborne and entering Mediterranean air space.

You have thirty days to cease and desist funding and support to ISIS.  If you opt NOT to follow this order, it is this government’s intention to obliterate your country with any means possible.

Please say ‘I understand’ if you DO understand what I have said.

[Silence]

I understand you are fluent in English.  A final diplomatic pouch should be arriving at your palace shortly, with my demands in English as well as Arabic.  I do not want any confusion about what I have said.

Good day, Excellency.”

My second call would be to the President of the United Mexican States, Enrique Peña Nieto.

“Buenos dias, Sr. Presidente.  I know you are busy so I will be brief.

You have been holding one of my former Marines, Sgt. Andrew Tahmooressi, in jail for a number of months.  You have 24 hours to return this man, along with all of his belongings including the weapons you confiscated, to the United States.  If you fail to do this, the busses will begin coming to Mexico.”

“What busses, Madam President?”

“The busses that will be lined up two days from now to repatriate your citizens, who have poured into this country illegally.  Not only will they be returned but, pursuant to Article II, Section 2 of the Constitution, I am federalizing the National Guards of all Border States.  As Commander-in-Chief I will be directing them to take up armed positions along our common border with orders to shoot to kill anyone trying to enter the United States illegally.  THOSE buses.  Are we clear, Sr. Presidente?”

[Silence]

“I assume we are.  Tiene un buen dia.”

Third call, after getting myself a cup of coffee, would be to my Secretary of State, the Honorable John Bolton.

“Good morning, John.  I hope you’re getting settled in because I want to move forward on the complete review of the budget for the State Department like we discussed.  It’s time to start rewarding our friends and jettisoning those who are not.    

Please break it down by country into Peacekeeping, Foreign Military Financing, and Counterrorism expenses from last year. Then  I would like this put into two columns, please.  One column would be ALLIES and the other column would be NOT SO MUCH….. 

[laughter].  Yes….. Any idea how long that will take?  Excellent!  Oh… By the way, please cease ALL funding to Qatar immediately.

I look forward to sitting down with you soon.  Absolutely, John - you too.”

My fourth call will be a surprise to everyone.  It’s to my newly appointed Director of the US Office of Personnel Management, Liz Cheney.

“Good morning Liz.  Is there any chance you could come to my office after lunch today, say 1:30?  ………Wonderful – I look forward to seeing you and I promise our meeting will be short.  Thank you.”

Next call will be a conference call with the Leader of the Senate, the Honorable Marco Rubio, and the new Speaker of the House, Rep. Marsha Blackburn

“Good morning Senator Rubio and Rep. Blackburn.  Congratulations to you both on your new jobs within the Congress.  I look forward to working with you both.

Having said that, please forgive this short notice but I would be honored if you could both join me in a brief meeting after lunch, around 1:30.  Would that be possible?  [replies]  Excellent!  I promise not to keep you very long.  See you then.”

My next call will also be a conference call to the new Minority leaders of the Senate and House, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi with a similar invitation to join me at 1:30 in my office.  Oh – how nice – they both accepted.

[Buzz to Eric]” Eric, I’m expecting Liz, Marco, Harry, Nancy, Allen and Marsha here for a quick private meeting at 1:30.  I want you here as well….wonderful.

[Buzzing my White House Chief-of-Staff, Allen West] “Allen, everything is a go for this afternoon at 1:30, with the press conference at 1:45.  Please join me upstairs for a quick lunch at noon with the new ‘first man’ and the girls.  Wonderful!  See you soon.”

1:30 p.m.  January 21, 2017

[Greeting the invitees as well as Allen and Eric as they file into the Oval Office]

“Please grab a seat, and thank you all for coming.  I’m about to make an announcement that was NOT specifically part of my campaign agenda for the last year – I’m certain you will understand why. 

I have a press brief in 15 minutes where I will sign the following Executive Order.  I wanted all of you to hear this from me first, as I’m sure there will be immense fallout.  

Rest assured…. The fallout matters not a whit to me.  This is my first step as President to reduce the federal budget and to give this nation back to the people who are paying for it.

I will be reading the following statement to the nation in 12 minutes and upon completion I will sign an Executive Order putting this in motion.”

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE PRESS, FELLOW CITIZENS…. AS A FIRST STEP TO FULFILL MY CAMPAIGN PLEDGE TO REDUCE THE SIZE OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT AND HENCE, FEDERAL SPENDING…. I AM ON THIS DAY SIGNING AN EXECUTIVE ORDER THAT WILL GO INTO EFFECT AS SOON AS THE INK ON THE PAPER DRIES.  

TO WIT, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY THERE WILL BE A COMPLETE, TOTAL AND UNEQUIVOCAL FREEZE ON ALL GOVERNMENT HIRING IN EVERY CABINET, IN THE 15 MAJOR DEPARTMENTS AND ALL AGENCIES THAT COMPRISE THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH, RIGHT DOWN TO THE SMALLEST SUB-COMMITTEE.  THIS WILL BE THE CASE UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.  THIS WILL ALSO APPLY TO, BUT NOT BE LIMITED TO, GOVERNMENT CONTRACTS.  THE ONLY EXCEPTION WILL BE THE UNIFORMED MILITARY SERVICE OF THE UNITED STATES.  ANY HIRES IN PROGRESS BUT NOT COMPLETED AS OF 2:00 TODAY WILL BE SUSPENDED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE."

“Any questions?  Nancy, dear – you look pale. Here – have some water. Everyone, please take a deep breath as we begin.  Shall we adjourn to the White House Briefing room for this announcement and the signing of the Executive Order?.”

1:45 p.m., January 21, 2017

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN:  THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES…

“Good afternoon everyone.  Thank you all for coming on such short notice.  I am today taking a page from the playbook of my predecessor, President Obama….. and using my pen.

“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE PRESS, FELLOW CITIZENS….

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This is some of the stuff MY dreams are made of……